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If you are interested in at least exploring the possibility of recovering together, I highly recommend this post: In Pay Off George’s new girlfriend Shirley Glass persuades him to look into the mysterious disappearance of her previous boyfriend, Eddie Glass, a year previously. Shirley is a croupier at a gambling establishment (which is where she met George) run by the villainous Drake. There is clearly something in Eddie’s disappearance, he was also working for Drake at the time he went missing. George does some digging on his own account and discovers that Glass may have been involved in a bullion raid. Haan-Rietdijk, S. D., Gottman, J. M., Bergeman, C. S., & Hamaker, E. L. (2016). Get Over It! A Multilevel Threshold Autoregressive Model for State-Dependent Affect Regulation. Psychometrika, 81(1), 217–241. doi: 10.1007/S11336-014-9417-X Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2002). A Two‐Factor Model for Predicting When a Couple Will Divorce: Exploratory Analyses Using 14‐Year Longitudinal Data*. Family Process, 41(1), 83–96. doi: 10.1111/J.1545-5300.2002.40102000083.X
Shirley Glass Ltd, Southampton - Cylex Shirley Glass Ltd, Southampton - Cylex
When you share things you don’t talk about with your wife, you start creating a bond that is stronger than the bond you have with your spouse.Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). Treating Affairs and Trauma. Unpublished manuscript, Gottman Institute, Seattle, USA. Trust is an obvious issue and is vital to regain. But if both partners are committed to reconciling the marriage, or at least to try, then seeing a couples therapist together is most helpful. Individual therapy doesn’t help regain this trust and may only make healing more complicated. Enough secrets have been kept. Even if Jennifer is talking about the love she had for Anthony, it’s important that Sam regain his role as confidante, and it’s even more important that Jennifer be completely transparent about what happened. The cheating partner is sometimes ashamed of his behavior and fearful that it might cost him both relationships (and a costly divorce). Gender Differences in Affairs
Psychologist SHIRLEY GLASS talks about infidelity : NPR Psychologist SHIRLEY GLASS talks about infidelity : NPR
Many years ago, in the Clinton era, I was asked to do an interview on whether Hillary and Bill would make it through Bill’s affair. Responding psychologically rather than politically, my answer was to say, “If couples didn’t make it through affairs, the divorce rate would be even higher than it is now.” Because society disapproves of affairs and cheating, the unfaithful partner can often be very lonely in his struggle.
The bidding partner soon enters the negative absorbing state, which is the negative affect from past failed bids building up with every new failed bid. It gets easier to get into the negative state but challenging to exit, resulting in a persistent negative state of mind. Soon unheeded requests turn out to be stressful and pointless arguments. Therefore bidding partner suppresses feelings and needs, leading to avoidance of conflict and self-disclosure. Investing less and comparing more Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). The Natural Principles of Love. Journal of Family Theory and Review, 9(1), 7–26. doi: 10.1111/JFTR.12182 It might be counterintuitive, but an emotional affair that is consumed later on will bond the affair partners much more strongly. For women, any kind of sexual intimacy, including kissing, counts as an entrance into sexual infidelity. For men, the threshold is sexual intercourse. Women Have More Emotional Affairs
The Sweeney: Pay Off (ITV 29 Nov 1976, with Geraldine James)
I’ve watched hundreds of couples try this method, and I’ve learned a few practical things about effective treatment along the way. To provide clarity, let’s use names: Jennifer and Sam are married, and Jennifer had an affair with Anthony. Seek couples therapy, not just individual counseling Some cannot constrain their deluge of questions, and the interrogation often leaves both exhausted. Needless to say, emotional plus sexual infidelity is the most damaging to the relationship. Signs of Emotional Affairs Many women in very happy relationships have blinders that screen out any potential affair partner. Even when a man makes a pass at her, she may discount it thinking it was just being friendly. An emotional affair is a relationship characterized by intimacy and emotional involvement between a person and someone other than their official partner.
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Notice that you’re already having an affair even without sex and some sources put emotional affairs on the same level as emotional + sexual (but I disagree with that). Defensiveness can turn into openness -which is good- or into aggression. And ambivalence can turn into decision paralysis or full clarity. And they focus on everybody else who is cheating while disregarding the faithful ones (also see myths and facts of cheating).
Remembering Dr. Shirley Glass : NPR
This stage is especially dangerous for unhealthy relationships engulfed by criticism, constant fighting, and meanness. When this occurs, it’s very easy for the hurt partner to view this as more intentional deceit, which many betrayed people say is just as difficult to work through than any sexual or emotional indiscretion. The therapist needs to guide the couple carefully through the betrayer’s tangle of self-protection or protection of a lover and the defensiveness and shame that comes with it, as well as the betrayed’s desperately wanting and deserving “the absolute truth” and the sadness, rage, and fear that accompanies it. Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (1992). Marital processes predictive of later dissolution: behavior, physiology, and health. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 63(2), 221–233. doi: 10.1037/0022-3514.63.2.221 Gottman, J. (1995). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last. Simon & Schuster.As one maximizes the partner’s negative qualities, one also minimizes positive characteristics. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse ( defensiveness, criticism, contempt, and stonewalling) become rampant. Dr. Gottman suggests that people committed to their relationship cherish their partner by reminiscing about the positives with gratitude, even when not together. An essential part of a relationship, cherishing and expressing gratitude, is replaced with trash-talking the partner (directly and in front of others). Resentment and loneliness in relationship Of course the workplace, with its daily interactions and increased female participation, has been the main driver of the increase in infidelity in the last decades. He tells himself his partner “deserves it”, or he convinces himself that his relationship is dead. It often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy as he withdraws more and more from his relationship. The Stages of Revelations Dr. John Gottman with Dr. Caryl Rusbult and Dr. Shirley Glass explained an affair as a cascade of steps that culminate in a transgression. It all starts with the bid for attention. If it sounds like a simplified excuse for an affair, it is not. When one can’t count on their partner to be available in their time of need, it leads to unfavorable comparisons, emotional distance, and eventual betrayal, if not the demise of love. Based on research, the steps that lead to betrayal (the Gottman-Rusbult-Glass Cascade) are as follows. Turning away Unfortunately Haskins doesn’t want to know, he tells George that he can’t see the wood for the trees and tells him to take seven days leave. The body of Eddie Glass then turns up. Drake, who was the organiser of the bullion raid, wants Shirley out the way. He arranges for one of hip men to reveal where Eddie is buried. It’s a set up though, Drake and his men are waiting there for Shirley and George.
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