Ugly Love

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Blake would come over most weekends to stay the night with Corbin, and we always seemed to find a way to spend time together when Corbin wasn’t paying attention. One thing led to another, and after several weekends of sneaking around, Blake told me he wanted to make our relationship official. The problem Blake didn’t foresee was how Corbin would react once Blake broke my heart. I roll my eyes. He’s still the same bossy brother he always was. I knew that moving in with him would not be good for our relationship, considering how fatherly he acted toward me when we were younger. However, I had no time to find a job, get my own apartment, and get settled before my new classes started, so it left me with little choice.

ad: “Where are you?” e: “Ian’s house.” ad: “We need to talk.” e: “Can it wait until tomorrow? I’ll be home late.” ad: “No. I need you home now. I’ve been waiting for you since school let out.” e: “Fine. On my way.” Miles defines complexity. A well-worn armor masks emotions, hides a past. We get to know him gradually, moment by moment. Upon first meeting him, he seems hardened, callous, uncaring, but we also get the sense that he’s been through something life-changing. Life-taking. Because now, in the present, he seems bereft of it. Living but not really living. Numb and simply going through the motions. I’m learning that no matter how difficult a situation is, people learn how to adapt to it. My dad and her mom may not approve, but they’ll adapt. Rachel may not be ready to be a mom, and I may not be ready to be a dad, but we’re adapting. It’s what has to happen. If people want peace within themselves, it’s necessary. Vital, even. ••• “Miles.” I love my name when it comes out of her mouth. She doesn’t waste it. She only says it when she needs something. She only says it when it needs to be said. “Miles.” She said it twice. She must really need something. I roll over, and she’s sitting up in bed. She looks at me, wideeyed. “Miles.” Three times. “Miles.” Four. “It hurts.” Shit. I jump out of bed and grab our bag. I help Rachel change clothes. I help her to the car. She’s scared. I might be more scared than she is. I hold her hand while we drive. I tell her to breathe. I don’t know why I tell her this. Of course, she knows to breathe. I don’t know what else to tell her. I feel helpless. Maybe she wants her mom. “Do you want me to call them?” She shakes her head. “Not yet,” she says. “After.” I really liked Miles, i adored his love story with his first love and found myself anxious to get to his chapters where he shared his past with rachel as i knew it must’ve been something so awful to pull them apart, that i wasn’t actually sure if i wanted to find out what it was that happened between them to end what they had.Because we don’t know how to stop.” She’s right. “You’re going to Michigan in seven months, and I’ll be here in San Francisco. Maybe that’s our answer.” She nods. “Seven months?” I nod. I touch her lips with my finger, because her lips are the kind of lips that need appreciating, even when they aren’t being kissed. “We do this for seven months. We don’t tell anyone. Then . . .” I stop talking, because I don’t know how to say the words We stop. “Then we stop,” she whispers. “Then we stop,” I agree. She nods, and I can actually hear our countdown begin. I kiss her, and it feels even better now that we have a plan. “We’ve got this, Rachel.” She smiles in agreement. “We’ve got this, Miles.” I give her mouth the appreciation it deserves. I’m gonna love you for seven months, Rachel. He doesn’t even respond to that one. He just groans. “I’ll call Miles and see if he’s home yet. Give me two minutes.” I’m reading the text on my phone, smiling like an idiot. He goes nine days without seeing or texting me, and now he’s texting me from twenty feet away. walks out the door. I fall into my chair. He’s so nice. I could get used to this. I pull my notebook in front of me and begin studying. About half an hour passes, and then I get a text from him. Miles: How’s the homework going?

Not only is Miles up off the floor, but he’s in the kitchen, with his head pressed against his arms and his arms folded on top of the kitchen counter. He’s seated on the edge of a bar stool, and he looks as if he’s about to fall off it any second. I can’t tell if he’s sleeping again or just attempting to recover. andom guy: Tate, you want to have sex? e: Sure. Let me finish up with these two guys, and I’ll be right over. By the way, I don’t have any rules, so anything goes. andom guy: Awesome. i felt like the little we got of Tate and miles’ happy ending all got down played for that one moment at the end and they welcomed the baby arrival.what you feel. Only one person who hurts like you hurt. Only one other parent to that baby boy who misses him the same way you do.” My eyes are closed tightly now, and I’m doing all I can to respect his end of the conversation, but it’s taking all I have not to get up and walk away. He has no right bringing Rachel into this conversation. “Miles,” he says quietly. There’s determination in his voice, like he needs me to take him seriously. I always do. “You believe you took away that girl’s chance at happiness, and until you confront that past, you won’t ever move forward. You’re gonna be reliving that day every single day until the day you die, unless you go see for your own eyes that she’s okay. Then maybe you’ll see that it’s okay for you to be happy, too.” I lean forward and run my hands over my face, then rest my elbows on my knees and look down. I watch as a single tear falls from my eye and drops to the floor beneath my feet. “And what happens if she’s not okay?” I whisper. Cap leans forward and clasps his hands between his knees. I turn and look at him, seeing tears in his eyes for the first time in the twenty-four years I’ve known him. “Then I guess nothing changes. You can keep on feeling like you don’t deserve a life for ruining hers. You can keep on avoiding everything that might make you feel again.” He leans in toward me and lowers his voice. “I know the thought of confronting your past terrifies you. It terrifies every man. But sometimes we don’t do it for ourselves. We do it for the people we love more than ourselves.” Six years earlier “Why is everything yellow?” My dad is standing in the doorway to Rachel’s bedroom, looking at the few items we’ve collected in the months since he’s known about the pregnancy. “It looks like Big Bird threw up in here.” Rachel laughs. She’s standing at the bathroom mirror, putting the finishing touches on her makeup. I’ve been lying on her bed, watching her. “We don’t want to know if it’s a boy or a girl, so we’re buying gender-neutral colors.” Rachel answers my dad’s question as if it were one of many, but we both know it’s the first. He hasn’t asked about the pregnancy. He doesn’t ask about our plans. He usually leaves the room if Rachel and I are both in it. Lisa isn’t much different. She’s not past the point of disappointment or sadness yet, so we don’t push it. It’ll take time, so Rachel and I are giving that to them. Right now, Rachel only has me to talk to about the baby,

Six years earlier My dad says he needs to speak to us. He asks me to get Rachel and meet him and Lisa at the diningroom table. I tell him okay, that there’s something we need to speak to them about, too. Curiosity flashes in his eyes but only for a brief second. He thinks about Lisa again, and he’s not curious anymore. His everything is Lisa. I go to Rachel’s room and tell my everything that they want to speak to us. We all sit down at the dining-room table. I know what he’s going to say. He’s going to tell us he proposed. I don’t want to care, but I do. I wonder why he didn’t tell me first. This makes me sad but only a little bit. It’s not going to matter after we tell them what we have to tell them. “I asked Lisa to marry me,” he says. Lisa smiles at him. He smiles at her. Rachel and I aren’t smiling. “So we did,” Lisa says, flashing her ring.Six years earlier Ian knows. I had to tell him. After the first week of school, he knew everything became Rachel. Rachel knows Ian knows. Rachel knows he won’t say anything. I give Rachel my room when she moves in, and I take the spare bedroom. My room is the only spare bedroom with its own bathroom. I want Rachel to have the better room. “Do you want this box in here?” Ian asks Rachel. Rachel asks what it is, and he tells her it’s all her bras and underwear. “I thought maybe I should just go ahead and put it in Miles’s room.” Rachel rolls her eyes at Ian. “Hush,” she tells him. He laughs. He likes that he’s in on such a private thing. That’s why he would never tell. He knows the power of secrets. Ian leaves after all the boxes are unloaded. My father passes me in the hallway and pauses. His pause means I should pause, too. “Thank you, Miles.”